FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: I FUCKED UP MY FACE REAL BAD YESTERDAY
As you might know if you saw my Snapchat story or one of several tweets, or if you got an alarming text from me at 3 a.m. about how I look like Francis Dolarhyde from Hannibal now, I had to go to the hospital yesterday.
Here’s the full story, because I keep only telling people parts of it and I’m very tired: I got real dizzy after using the bathroom, and the next thing I remember I was getting up off the floor and my dad was like jesus christ we have to go to the emergency room.
It turns out I banged up my face so bad that I chipped several teeth and had to get stitches (freakier details below for my pre-med majors and/or gore enthusiasts and so everyone else doesn’t have to have that image in their heads). It still hurts and I got prescribed two different forms of antibiotics AND have an OTC antibiotic ointment because that’s what happens when you get a massive wound on the germiest part of your body (mouth).
However, I did get to watch Spongebob and Full House in the hospital room and my doctor told me about how Alanis Morissette wrote her Jagged Little Pill album about Dave Coulier while he was stitching my face back together. Everyone I talked to was nice and chill and they gave me a warm blanket when I got a CT scan.
I refused to look in a mirror until I got home and slept for a while, so I was kind of convinced I had a Phantom of the Opera situation going on, but once I did look in the mirror it turned out to be less of a Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender situation and more of a Zuko from the live-action Last Airbender movie situation. So good news for me: The scar is going to be pretty small, and I’m probably less traumatized than my parents, who had to look at the wound.
How did this actually happen? Unclear, probably a combination of a bunch of factors, but the doctor put “post-urinary syncope” on the discharge papers which apparently means sometimes people get dizzy after they pee. Which is the MOST made-up thing I’ve ever heard but also totally makes sense. They did a bunch of blood and pee and CT scan tests, though, which I apparently passed with flying colors, so that’s good to know overall, since I’m a hypochondriac.
The worst part is that, according to my good buddy Ava, “You’re continuing your saga of having to go to the dentist more than anyone else I know.” My teeth still hurt, I hate it, my teeth are always a problem, but now I don’t have American Girl doll teeth, which I guess is a plus?
There’s no moral to this story except maybe if you’re sitting on the toilet at 3 a.m. and you get kind of dizzy and you’re like the floor looks nice, I’d like to lay down on the floor right now, just do it. Because if you don’t your body will hold down the power button and do a hard reboot and you’ll wake up on the floor anyway, sans part of your front teeth.
Anyway, I was going to finish the last part of Scenestory this weekend but now all I want to do is sleep so next week there will be a newsletter that I already wrote that was supposed to come after the Scenestory one. Enjoy!
THE GORY PART
So apparently I literally bit through my lip, and the doctor had to pull tooth chips out of the wound while he was stitching it up. My mom described it as “gaping,” and the doctor told me it “won’t be disfiguring,” which is always something you want to have to be reassured about. Before he discharged me the doctor said there’s this many stitches on the inside, this many on the inside of your mouth, and this many on the outside, and I couldn’t figure out what he meant at first and then I realized he had to stitch my flesh together from the inside out. I also realized several hours after I got home that there was still blood smeared on the back of my phone which is so funny because how did it even get there?? There was that much blood! I bet it looked like The Evil Dead.